Why Marriages Fail—7 Reasons
By Ashley Sotelo
So, let’s say you have finally met this one person who you think you want to spend the rest of your life with. You know that you love this person enough to include him or her in your plans for the future. The other person feels the same, and you now believe that wedded bliss is on the horizon. But then doubts about your relationship begin to creep into your mind, and now you start wondering, “Do we fully understand what we are getting ourselves into?”
If you are now contemplating marriage, it is understandable for you to have your doubts. After all, marriage is not a trivial matter. It is not as simple as deciding what you want to wear for Friday night or what you will be having for dinner. The fact that you are going to unite yourselves in wedlock with your partner for the rest of your life may seem daunting, especially when you think about the many marriages that have failed. Many of those marriages that ended in divorce have started well. What could have gone wrong in such seemingly happy marriages? How can you ensure that your decision to marry will not end up the same way as those who have split up?
To help you avoid the sad consequences of a failed marriage, a consideration of the factors that lead up to divorce is important. Understanding the causes of divorce will help you and your partner to work at strengthening your relationship for a happy and healthy married life. While no two marriages are exactly the same, and there are various factors that can lead to divorce, there are general reasons for the failure of a marriage. Let us discuss seven major factors for divorce.
No two persons can be exactly alike, but for a marriage to work, both of you should be able to complement each other’s personality. Compatibility, after all, is not just about the physical aspect of a relationship. Both of you may make a beautiful couple but may not live well with each other. It is very important, then, to determine whether your different perspectives in life could meet halfway before you decide to get married.
Think about your goals. Do you have the same goals in life? It is important that you both think long-term. After all, marriage should be a lifelong commitment, and you would want to make sure that you are looking at the same direction, so to speak. If you have different goals, can you both work on those without risking your marriage? If your goals are incompatible, are you willing to make compromises? For instance, if your partner does not want to have children in the future, are you willing to live with that? Do not force yourself to have the same vision in life with your partner if you know deep inside that you won’t be happy with whatever your partner’s goals in life are. In the end, the unhappiness that you have just forced down would resurface, and you will end up miserably married to your partner. Countless of those who have ended divorcing their mates could testify to that sad reality.
Think about your personalities. Of course, there have to be qualities that you love about your partner, but how about both of your flaws? Can you handle the worst side of your partner without giving up on him or her? Many marriages fail because one or both partners figured that they could not live with each other’s imperfections. So before you decide to go down the aisle, contemplate on how well you can live with each other—strengths and flaws. Instead of thinking about how similar you are, focus instead on how you deal with each other’s differences. If you only “solve” your problems with a kiss and don’t spend the time to discuss things in a mature way, you have to reconsider your decision to marry seriously.
2. Lack of Good Planning
An adage goes this way, “Those who fail to plan, plan to fail.” How well have you planned out for your future together? Take, for instance, the financial aspect of your marriage. How are you going to pay your bills? Will both of you be working or do you think you could survive if only one of you work and the other one will look after the house and other household affairs? Do you plan to raise a family? If your answer is yes, are you already financially stable? No matter how much you love each other, you need to understand that love will not be able to pay off your rent or mortgage, and love will certainly not feed you!
Remember, too, that life does not always turn out the way we plan it to be. How prepared are you for the unexpected? Do you have an alternative source of funds for when either of you becomes suddenly unemployed or chronically ill? There are many things that you have to plan for, which is why it is important that you could work well together despite your differences. Ill-planned marriages are bound to fail, as presently high divorce rates prove.
3. Lack of Good Communication
Every existing relationship thrives on this important aspect—communication. But what if you find that both of you just cannot communicate well with each other? For instance, how do you resolve conflicts? Do you resort to childish sulking—ignoring each other until one of you finally gives up? Or do you wait until things calm down and then discuss the problem so that both of you could reach a solution? When you or your partner makes a mistake, do you readily acknowledge the error and make amends?
What you say is also as important as how you say it. So when you do communicate with each other, how do you do so? Do your words show that you respect and love your partner? Or are your words always harsh? It is important that you take note of the way you communicate, for that determines either the success or failure of your marriage. Lack of good communication increases the likelihood of fights and the feeling that you both are drifting away from each other. Chances are, if you do not know how to express your feelings and thoughts to each other, you will eventually feel that you have married a complete stranger.
4. Loss of Interest
You have to admit that romance is an essential part of a good relationship. After all, your relationship started off with that initial spark of interest in your partner, and vice versa. Look back to the first time both of you met. What was it that caught your eye and later, your heart? Dwell on such thoughts especially when your relationship is going through hard times. Why? Throughout your relationship, you must be able to turn that initial spark into a lasting flame for you to last in your commitment toward each other.
So once you get married, strive to keep the interest between you alive. Go out on dates and spend time together so you will learn more about each other. True, you already know a lot of things about your partner, but there will always be things you have yet to discover in him or her.
Maintain your intimacy. And since sex is the most intimate you could get with each other, make sure that you do not lose the romance between you. If you feel that you are failing in the sex department, you may want to consult a medical professional. Most likely, you lack the hormones that would boost your performance in bed. Your doctor may prescribe a natural testosterone booster to help you improve your sexual performance.
5. Financial Instability
Whether you like it or not, finances are a crucial aspect when it comes to marriage. As I have mentioned in a preceding paragraph, it takes more than love to make a marriage work. You could be very much in love with each other yet still be unable to make your relationship a success. How so?
Think about your finances. How stable are you financially? If you are the man in the relationship and have a hard time providing for yourself materially, how can you manage to provide for a family if that time comes? If you are the woman in the relationship, how responsible are you in handling money matters? Of course, financial roles may vary from one couple to another. However, if at this moment you already have problems in handling your finances, you cannot expect that you will not have more trouble with the matter after your marriage. Again, you need to keep in mind that love cannot buy you groceries or pay your monthly dues. Also, you need to consider your attitude towards money. If your partner is a spender and you are a saver, how can you meet halfway so that you do not end up fighting about your budget?
Discussing money matters and financial arrangements prior to your marriage is vital if you want to minimize the likelihood of heated arguments over money.
6. Unrealistic Expectations
Marriages that end up in divorce always have this factor that caused their relationship to fail—unrealistic expectations. For instance, if you are under the illusion that your partner is perfect, you are bound to experience a painful wakeup call to the reality that he or she is far from perfect. Also, how do you imagine life after you say your wedding vows? If you expect rainbows and roses immediately after the marriage, that may still be understandable. After all, newlyweds almost always radiate happiness. However, if you think that you will have rainbows and sunshine all throughout your marriage life, you are unrealistic. No marriage is perfect, so a tempest is bound to come your way to test the bonds of your relationship. If you harbor fantasies about married life, you will do well to change your thinking. It is best that you expect difficulties in your marriage so that when they come, your emotions are ready to take on the situation.
7. Marriage for the Wrong Reasons
Let me ask you something. Why are you marrying that person? It is important that you think about the motive that you have for committing yourself to a person. I am sure that you have heard about marriage arrangements for the sake of convenience. Such marriages, which have as a foundation money, power, looks, or prestige, prove to be unhappy. Why? A lasting marriage is one that both of you should build on a foundation of love, respect, and trust. Absent such qualities, the marriage, is bound to fail. Individuals who could not think past the physical or financial attributes of their partners are least likely to stay loyal to their mates once those attributes are gone. When the economy fails, and their partner is no longer the rich person they married, or when their partner no longer looks as attractive as they did before, what will the other mate have left? Marriage mates who thus fail to appreciate the inner beauty of their partners will eventually end up hating each other.
What, then, should you do to make sure that you are getting into a lifelong commitment with your partner for the right reasons? You need to know your partner well enough for you to say that you could live with him or her for the rest of your life. Know your partner’s strengths and flaws and appreciate them. Take your commitment to each other seriously. Instead of thinking that your marriage is merely a contract that you could terminate when you both feel like it, think of your marriage as a lifelong project. Having the proper mindset and perspective on marriage will increase your determination to make your relationship with each other work despite the difficulties that may arise. When both of you keep in mind that your relationship is more than just a legal arrangement, you are less likely to end up calling your lawyers and filing for a divorce.
Ashley Sotelo is a pro-active health enthusiast; she does research for various leading health companies–focusing mainly on the different alternative treatments available for chronic illnesses. Writing health articles has grown to become her passion, becoming the author of roughly a hundred of such articles and currently writing at BRI Nutrition whose sole purpose is to provide natural and safe supplements. When she is not writing or engaging in her regular fitness routine, she could be found curled up in a nook and reading her favorite books.